A Lesson on Yelling from My Middle School BFF

I remember the first time my middle school best friend and I got into a fight.

I immediately began yelling at her. She stayed calm and said, “Why are you yelling at me?” I yelled back “Because we’re fighting!” 

We were 12, maybe 13. It made so much sense to me at the time that if we were mad that meant raising our voices and getting big with our emotions. In my house anger, disappointment, or frustration almost always led to yelling. 

My best friend said simply “Stop yelling at me. Its rude.” I was completely taken aback. What did she mean? If we were mad, how else would we get across to the other person just how upset we were without the use of a loud voice and angry words?

Yelling felt normal to me. This was what I experienced in my home, so to be honest, before this interaction with my best friend, it had never even occurred to me that there might be another way to express these big emotions. My parents fought a lot, and there was always yelling involved, sometimes screaming. I was often scared, confused and felt alone not understanding why it was happening. And typical of the times, there wasn't any discussion about how the way they acted was inappropriate, or any responsibility about how their behavior was out of line.

The truth is, we don’t need to yell to get our point across. Normalizing this in our homes and teaching the next generation that this is how you handle conflict just perpetuates this cycle. Not only does it damage our connection with our children, aiding in the loss of credibility and respect you might have; what it does in their brains is even more of a motivation to try and break this habit.

The negative consequences of yelling include:

• Damaging parent-child relationships, and over time, eroding trust.

• It can be a form of verbal abuse, and just like physical or sexual abuse has been found to have similar negative impacts on children.

• It perpetuates generational trauma by modeling unhealthy behavior.

Listen, I get it, parenting is hard work. As a parent myself, I have certainly yelled at my kiddo more than once. But what are we passing on to them when we handle conflict this way? What we do, becomes what our children do. If we want to break this pattern, it must stop with us. There’s no shame if you struggle with this; I certainly have. Being aware that this might be a problem and recognizing that it’s something you need to work on is huge, and I can help.

When you work with me, we can address these issues through a combination of:

·       Communication Techniques

·       De-escalation Techniques

·       Building Positive Alternatives (while still holding boundaries)

Remember, change takes time and practice. Be patient with yourself and celebrate your progress.