When Should I Get My Kid a Smartphone?

Technology is here to stay. The question isn’t “if” your child will be getting access to a smartphone, but when?  Recently, someone asked for my advice on this question, and I realize that there are many parents in this situation.  Deciding whether to get a smartphone for your child deserves careful consideration, and deciding when that should happen is critical. While experts are now recommending delaying until the age of 16 for the smartphone, it’s not just a matter of age that you should be considering.  So, before you decide, I’d like to offer some insight into two critical questions you may want to explore before taking that leap, to help ensure you and your child are set up for success.

How sturdy is the foundation of your relationship with your child?

I encourage you to invest in cultivating your relationship with your child before introducing a device like the smartphone. If your relationship is already shaky, volatile, or somewhere in between, you can expect that dynamic to intensify once your child gets a smartphone. It is designed to be addictive, and dysregulation is inevitable and should be expected. This is because children and young adults are much more vulnerable, and their brains lack sophistication around self-regulation, impulse control, logic, and reasoning. If your child already does not value your leadership or respect your influence in their world, you can bet that the addition of the smartphone, coupled with their immature brains will only serve to escalate any known cracks in the foundation of your relationship. I would recommend coming up with a plan for introducing the phone at least a couple of months in advance (I can help) to give you and your child the time you both deserve to make sure your relationship is in a healthy place. You can also involve your kids in the responsibility that comes from owning a smartphone, create some support and bumpers around what kinds of behaviors to look out for, and make plans for how to manage those challenges when they come up. Taking the time to build a strong foundation of mutual respect with your child before they get a smartphone is like investing in their future self, and your future relationship with them.

How strong is your ability to regulate your emotions? How strong is theirs? According to Jonathan Haidt’s book “The Anxious Generation”, it has been reported that since 2010 we have seen a 134% increase in anxiety, a 106% increase in depression, and a 72% increase in ADHD symptoms in undergraduate-aged kids, all of which drastically increased around the same time as the introduction of the smartphone. To ensure your child is not abusing their devices, you will most likely have to crack down with them on screen time, usage, and how available to make the device. They will not naturally be able to self-monitor their usage (and its impact on their mental health) without your assistance and guidance.  If you already struggle with reactivity, like yelling, threats, and punishments to assert control over your child, adding the smartphone is like pouring a can of gasoline on an already burning fire. The stronger your ability to regulate your emotions, the more equipped you’ll be to handle any push-back or challenging behaviors and help your child work through theirs as their partner and parent, and not as their adversary.

If you need help preparing to introduce a smartphone into your child’s life and are worried about how best to support them? Let’s chat! I will work with you on building a stronger relationship with your child so you can weather the smartphone storm with more confidence and more peace.