Co-Regulation Fail? Why Your Comforting Tactics Might Feel Like a Backfire

You’ve read the articles. You follow all the experts (ahem). You have taken their advice to heart, and you truly want to invoke change at home. Then, it happens: your kiddo is in the middle of a tantrum. This is your opportunity to co-regulate!

You run through all the advice you’ve consumed: “Pause. Take a deep breath. Acknowledge their feelings. Name what you see. Get down on their level. Make eye contact. Smile. Offer a cuddle or hug.” You may even be picturing this perfect moment of connection with your kid, where you have this wonderful conversation, hug, laugh, and maybe end up baking cookies...no? Just me? 😊

But then, reality hits. You’ve validated their feelings; you’ve named what you see. They tell you to stop talking. So, you offer a touch on the leg or a hug, and they recoil. You lean in more, try to get right in next to them, and they push you away. Even worse, they run into the other room, trying to get as far away from you as they can, burying their faces, and hiding their tears. They seem even more upset than before you tried to connect and co-regulate! What the heck is going on for these kids and why does it feel like your attempts at co-regulation aren’t working?

If this sounds like your kiddo, you are not alone. Often, this is how my child reacts after a moment of fracture or disconnect, so I completely understand how you might be feeling. It can feel frustrating, and you might even be feeling rejected. First, I want to reassure you: There is nothing wrong with you or your kiddo. They just have different needs. Just like there are different operating systems for PCs (Windows, Mac, Linux, etc.), kids have different operating systems as well. What works for one child, even within the same household, may not work for another.

What do these kids need if they don’t want to hear your empathy; feel your warm touch, or your loving words? Most likely, they need some time and some space from you first. Co-regulating doesn’t have to happen the same way every time and certainly doesn’t have to be immediate. Many kids need some time alone before they can feel safe enough to reconnect with you. What those kids need is proximal safety to you. They need you close, and they need reassurance that you are close by; that you’ll be back soon to check on them. Most importantly, they need your consistency and follow-through. They need to see that when you say you’ll be back in a few minutes to check on them, you come back.

A good rule of thumb to start is one minute for every year old they are (so if they are 5, you’re back in 5 minutes or less); if they are 15 then you check on them in 15 minutes or less.

When you finally do get them open to talking, or at least get them in the same room, try an activity first, something they enjoy. With younger kids, you can get on the floor with them and play, and this may be all they need. Older kids might need a quick hug or arm around their shoulder (when they're ready) and reassurance that your proverbial door is always open. When the time is right, keep it short and sweet.

Need more help? I’m here for you and together we can build a plan that’s workable for your needs. I can’t wait to connect!