Why Behavior Modifications Don’t Work (and What to Do Instead)

Traditional parenting advice would tell you that modifying a child’s behavior is the best way to get the results you’re seeking. While there are many effective tips out there, behavior modifications generally lack some essential components to lasting behavioral change. By only addressing your child’s surface behavior, you might be risking an escalation in the behavior itself and an increase in other challenging behaviors. Here’s why:

Behavior Modifications do not address the root cause: All behavior is communication. When a child exhibits a particular behavior, let’s say they have trouble with sitting still, they are communicating that there is some underlying cause as to why they cannot comply. The behavior will continue if you don’t address the root cause. Using this example, there are various reasons why a child might not be able to comply: OT issues such as poor core strength can cause kids to wiggle and fidget, simply because they are uncomfortable, developmental delays and neurodivergence can also make sitting still challenging for some kids, or the expectation might be too high for the age of the child.

Behavior Modifications do not build skills: What we know about the brain and nervous system tells us that movement regulates a child’s nervous system. It is a tool that children will use to calm themselves; and “get back to neutral.” If a child cannot sit still, and as a result receives a punishment, such as losing recess at school it might be an effective deterrent in the short term. However, without an alternate way to address the underlying need (in this case, physical movement), the behavior will most likely return or will be replaced with another behavior. Then, when that behavior is corrected, another behavior will replace that one. This leads to a cycle of frustration and the belief that the child is choosing not to comply. Additionally, when we seek to correct the behavior without understanding where it is coming from, we are missing an opportunity to help the child build critical skills to address their needs and meet expectations.

What to do instead: Try understanding the root cause of the behavior itself. Get curious about the behavior so you can start to investigate possible reasons and solutions. Once you connect to your child’s inner world, you can start working with them to build the skills they need or address a need. This is much more cooperative and collaborative and can result in the elimination of many challenging behaviors, without sacrificing your peace and connection with your child.